J for....

J is for Joker.

Everyone likes to crack a joke or two. Whether they are as simple as a riddle, or an epic story with twists, jokes are the Smarties on life’s cookie..

But crack one open and you’ll find that even the most innocuous little pun is full of complicated machinery. The psychology of humour is no laughing matter. Why do we laugh at funnies portraying misfortune, bigotry, injustice? Is it true that jokes contain a yolk of truth? Doesn’t “I’m just joking..” usually mean.. “I’m perfectly serious but I’m hoping you won’t notice if I giggle while I say it?..”

Jokes are the armoured tanks of immunity that plough headlong into the serious business of life. Where are we without a sterling sense of humour to provide the silver in the cloud lining? Funnies force us to consider our prejudices and foibles. It’s a healthy psyche that can laugh at its own quirks. That said….let’s have a chuckle about death, religion and disease...among other things..

A man is at the doctor’s office.

 The doctor says to the man, “I’ve got some bad news, and I’ve got some terrible news…”

“Oh no!” says the man, “What’s the bad news?”

“You’ve only got 24 hours to live.”

“What’s the terrible news?”

“I should have told you yesterday.”

Paddy went into the bar and ordered three drinks. He took a sip from each in turn, continuing until he had drunk them all. The barman commented, “If you order them one at a time they’re less likely to go flat.” Paddy explained that he and his two best mates used to drink together every night. When they had to go their separate ways in life, they agreed that they would each drink this way in memory of their friendship. The barman was touched.

After some months, Paddy came into the bar and only ordered two drinks. Silence fell over the place, as the regulars had come to know his habit. The barman murmured, “My condolences mate..” Paddy said, “It’s OK, everyone’s fine. I just became a Mormon, and I have to give up drinking.”

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”

“No,” he replied, “Arthritis.”

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! LOOK OUT! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh no! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him, "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Laughter is essential for good health..mental and physical, since it gives both the grey matter and a good many muscles a nice shake up…not to mention the endorphins and beneficial chemicals like serotonin that it releases into our sea of angst. So I’ll end with a peck of puns to bolster your RDI of humour J

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.